I believe I have survived most of my latest crazy experiences due to the concept of "I choose to see the blessing in this...." It either takes a lot of conviction or a lot of pain to use this new muscle of stepping out of feeling like a victim and being open to the perspective that there is an unknown and unseen blessing in the situation....except that it takes patience to receive the pay-off and rewards when you finally have hind-site.
When I turned 40, I was on top of the world. I had shaved off all my hair the year before, spent 6 wild months on an active volcano, returned to Texas only to experience Hawaii magic equally in Austin. I shed 20 pounds and lived in an amazing house, had great friends and a magical dog. I was self-employed and felt empowered. Yet part of me was done with Austin. It was time for new frontiers and it wasn't Hawaii, for now.
I chose to relocate to the Bay Area in Northern California, first destination: cooking at a hot springs called Avalon. It was an epic journey cross country after eliminating my possessions of 20 years and holding impromptu garage sales. I left my dog with an ex, I was planning to return in 2 months to retrieve her.
In the dawn hour after the night I arrived in Oakland, CA, not even 3 days after leaving TX, I am informed of the loss of my dog, Magic Chinz, hit by a car. I could not believe it, I had only arrived, I was planning to return in such a short time and looked forward to introducing her to the Pacific.
Now, I thought I would just find a place to settle and create a new life for myself. Anything was possible, I was totally open to any great town, job or opportunity. Little did I know that I would be traveling and moving for 5 years. I would never have been able to spend so much time in Hawaii, been able to live in so many different countries, if I still would have had her. I knew her contract was with me only, many loved and wanted her, she was welcomed by so many. But I would have felt guilty to be away.
She was an angel in my life, I had never experienced any being in my life be that loyal and consistent. She was at my bedside every day for 9 years straight and loved me unconditionally. I did not have to train her with treats, love was always her reward. She was one of the biggest blessings in my life. And I would have never gotten to know myself how I moved alone in the world and the risks I got to take and the places I got to see. She set me free. And I am forever changed by my journey, because from 40, my life felt like a rapid decline for a few years, considering how on top of the world I felt and with how much trust and gusto I left my old world behind.
Right before that, I had helped oversee a farm house renovation, turning into a riding school for children with autism. It took me 6 months of blood, sweat and tears and firing many crews, touching every surface of that house with my own hands in some shape or form. The farm turned out beautifully, I went to Hawaii, and a year later I get a call that the school burned down to the ground. I felt like I had my guts ripped out from inside of me. It was an indescribable feeling of loss, grief, helplessness and disbelief.
The owners said the insurance covered everything, they were able to rent a neighboring house and horse meadow to their own home, which was ideal and practical for them and I was able for them to access my storage and take all kitchen supplies, bedding, towels and furniture that they needed in their new school house. Then I did not need any storage for my belongings and they got to make use of it immediately in my absence. It is hard to describe a loss of something you created, had pride and feelings of accomplishment in your work, it was an established school at the time it caught fire.
It felt like my mandala was raked. All of that time and effort. Completed. Raked. I can never prove my worth to anyone. I know who I have become as a result of much loss. More embodied and more accepting of my bones. More understanding and compassionate. More forgiving.
Let's not forget the time my rockstar drove our car onto a cliff and abandoned it last year after doing a hit and run and dragging a person in it...and never paying a dime, we still don't have a car. This level of forgiveness....I assume are only for the masterful. The upside? This person revealed to me where I held my beliefs of my self-worth and value and that I, too, was done being a victim. Thank you to all of my teachers.
Have you found the blessing in some of your perceived curses?
Meet one of my angels, Magic Chinz.
I found and rescued her from a tiger sanctuary in Gonzalez, TX in 2000
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